Time to your weekly version of the Defector Funbag. Received one thing in your thoughts? E-mail the Funbag. And purchase Drew’s e book, The Night time The Lights Went Out, whilst you’re at it. At this time, we’re speaking about running a blog gone fallacious, 18-game soccer seasons, bikes, free shit, and extra.
Your letters:
Ben:
The feminine AI and Alexa and Siri voices annoy me. So calm and soothing. I desire a MALE AI voice. I would like the voice of a really belligerent and surly dude who’s HIGHLY upset that I’ve interrupted him to inform him to inform the ice maker within the fridge to pour out some cubes for me whereas queueing up “All Star” by Smashmouth. How deranged does this make me?
That doesn’t make you deranged, it simply signifies that you’re too lazy to examine the settings in your cellphone. You possibly can, certainly, have a male Siri if you would like. He can actually have a South African accent, if you would like him to sound like a villain from Deadly Weapon 2. However I’ve fucked round with totally different voice choices up to now—most notably once I used Shaq as my Waze voice assistant—and none of them are any much less enraging.
Most automated voices are feminine by default, owing to causes steeped in biology and, no shock, the western world’s historical past of commercial sexism. The common human responds extra favorably to a feminine voice, as a result of mommy, and so our tech overlords need Siri/Alexa to be your digital mommy, performing rote duties that daddy is simply too essential to concern himself with. You possibly can combat the ability by searching for out a male assistant as an alternative, however you gained’t be any extra soothed to listen to a robotic man going, “Sorry, I didn’t get that … please select from the next menu choices.” Belief me, shoddy AI is annoying in nearly any kind. Even when it has no voice in any respect. Even when it’s only a shitty, written reply to one thing you simply tried to Google.
As a result of why do you actually hate these voices? It’s as a result of they’re not human, and since you already know that they’ve been put in place particularly to hold you from speaking to a different human. If the voice on the opposite finish of the trade had been extra human, then you definately’d be extra forgiving. That is why each tech firm is falling over themselves to get into the AI enterprise. The front-facing AI product is, proper now, rubbish. It doesn’t even deserve the identify “AI” as a result of, for my part, having “intelligence” ought to imply having concepts of your personal and having the ability to discern which of your concepts are good or unhealthy.
They’ll’t try this, which signifies that AI’s current worth is rooted primarily in background shit: sorting information, fixing complicated math issues at excessive pace, skilled coaching simulations, and different shit. This functionality is what permits firms, not less than in case you ask the individuals in cost, to scale back workers by X p.c whereas sustaining high quality management. The inventory goes up, individuals get wealthy, Bob’s your uncle. The fantasy of AI is that in the future it’ll cross over the uncanny valley and change into an android you find yourself marrying. That’s when billions change into trillions. However, so long as the common voice assistant nonetheless thinks I wish to Google seek for “Hüsker Dü” quite than really hear the fucking band, it’ll stay only a fantasy.
Scott:
There was a definite backlash towards one thing within the current Funbag, with Drew’s joke on male childcare staff. So, the query is, when do you assume a response to backlash is warranted? I feel the ethos of “Do not feed the trolls” is essential, however as public-ish individuals how do you are feeling moments like this needs to be dealt with? To be clear, I am not in search of an apology or response, however seeing the backlash made me curious the way you guys really feel about it when this stuff occur.
Lemme get into the revolt that passed off within the remark part of my submit final week. For people who weren’t round, right here’s the paragraph that triggered a thousand-comment pileup:
All issues being equal, I’m all the time suspicious of grown males round kids. That mentioned, you’d be shocked how prepared I used to be to desert such fears when my children had been little and another person was prepared to take them off of my fingers for me. Parenting made me drained, cranky, and hungry. In that state, a stranger with sweet was a fucking godsend. You imply this man is gonna take my child in his van after which drop her off per week later? The place do I signal? So whereas I perceive David’s associates being reticent to depart their toddler within the care of an unknown man, house at an honest preschool is certainly at a premium. You gotta hop on that shit if it’s there. Practicality will make monsters of us all.
That’s insulting to male caregivers, who’re each succesful and legion. It’s additionally insulting to the women for insinuating that solely they need to be allowed to carry out such work. I tossed that paragraph out with out a lot, if any, forethought. Simply your normal “guys are sketchy!” half-joke, however A) Half-jokes suck, and B) I wrote that individual half-joke with atomic imprecision, sufficient to harm a number of readers’ emotions. In flip, they harm mine proper again. When that occurred, my intestine inside response was your typical, “No, it’s the kids who’re fallacious” shit. Then, identical as when a liked one factors out one among my fuck-ups, I grudgingly accepted that I used to be the one within the fallacious, after which acquired aggravated at myself for pissing off you guys. I used to be the offender. I don’t get to resolve if the blowback on me was excessive or not. I can solely take it, and it’s by no means enjoyable.
As a result of, and that is true, I contemplate readers my associates, and have ever since I began running a blog again within the mid-aughties. You hear so much about parasocial on-line relationships, the place a reader may have an inside dialogue with a well-known (or not less than, in my case, well-known) person who the well-known particular person is usually by no means conscious of. However I’ve by no means actually accepted that concept. I constructed my total profession on-line. The primary time I met anybody else who works at this web site was on-line. Ditto just about everybody else I’ve ever labored with in journalism. And each time I meet a reader out within the wild, I really feel like I already know them, and vice versa. It’s genuinely thrilling each time, and it makes me really feel like I’ve a pal wherever I’m going. That’s why I really like this job a lot. I attempt to hold you and me on the identical stage, as a result of writing, not less than for me, is about connecting with different individuals. If it must be by means of a display screen, so be it.
So when that connection will get disrupted, it feels private as a result of it’s. I’ve gone by means of the wringer loads of different instances for shit I’ve written, however most of these onslaughts got here from exterior the locker room. I duck and canopy, anticipate the trolls to discover a new sufferer, after which exhale. That is not fairly as straightforward to do, or as advisable, when the people who find themselves pissed at me are the identical individuals I write for week after week … people who find themselves actively paying to learn my shit, after which paying further to touch upon it. When somebody I really like is offended with me, all I wanna do is determine a option to make them like me once more. That’s been true ever since I used to be a child, and it stays in order a working skilled. That’s a bit pitiful coming from the Why Your Staff Sucks man, nevertheless it’s additionally hardly shocking that I’m the kind of one that’s desirous to be adored. I used to be the final of three children, in spite of everything.
To that finish, all I can do proper now’s say it flatly: I used to be fallacious, and I apologize. I hope we might be cool once more, as a result of it means as a lot to me because it does (I hope) to you. I suppose I might additionally apologize for counting “Bohemian Rhapsody” as an influence ballad, however I used to be all the time gonna get shit for that listing. Actually I simply needed an excuse to speak hair steel.
Jordan:
With the murmurs already that Goodell and the league wish to transfer to 18 video games, is not it inevitable they’re going to push for 20? This was why it was dumb of the gamers to ever comply with 17 video games to start with. There are nonetheless three extra just about ineffective preseason video games on the board. You already know the league needs to make these extra worthwhile. What is the o/u on variety of years till 20 recreation seasons? 15 years? 10?
I don’t purchase that 18 video games is occurring anytime earlier than the present CBA expires in 2031, as a result of the union must be down with it. They gained’t be. The one purpose the NFL has a 17-game season now’s as a result of De Smith negotiated it in return for a rise within the gamers’ income break up, plus a number of further goodies. Regardless of insane rises within the wage cap on a close to annual foundation, not each participant was wild in regards to the tradeoff. They’re those who need to play all these video games. They’re those who want a medevac helicopter simply to get away from bed each Monday morning.
Smith is gone now, and new govt director Lloyd Howell is aware of that the 17-game season barely handed muster together with his rank and file, and that an 18-game season is, within the language of the present deal, expressly forbidden. It’s not only a matter of swapping out one week of preseason video games for an additional regular-season slate, as a result of starters nearly by no means play within the preseason anymore. Seventeen video games stretch groups skinny, and 18 would break them with out important roster growth. You’d find yourself with each NFL season as a battle of attrition, not not like the NHL and NBA in sure years.
NFL homeowners nearly all the time get what they need, so I wouldn’t be that shocked in the event that they hornswoggle the NFLPA into 18 video games for an additional fats reduce of cash. However they’ll in all probability need to lock the gamers out to get it. They will surely need to for 20. So that is naïve, however I doubt I reside to see a 20-game common season until they merely outlaw tackling, which each Protection Wins Championships fan thinks is all however inevitable however I don’t.
HALFTIME!
Matthew:
I not too long ago acquired upgraded to first class. Nothing fancy, simply a two-hour home flight. I handed on drink service (too early for Miller Time, and I had a espresso and water bottle with me). Dude subsequent to me helpfully knowledgeable me every part is free in first. Once I opted out of their horrible free lunch, he acquired REALLY incredulous. Is there a societal expectation on maxing out freebies, or is he only a bizarre dickhead, or each?
Younger me would have additionally been floored that you just didn’t use these two hours to get as drunk as humanly potential on another person’s dime. From ages 18–30ish, I thought-about free booze to be the only most essential amenity that any enterprise might present a buyer. And if a marriage had a money bar, I used to be able to storm the altar (that is nonetheless kinda true). I’m certain a part of this was as a result of I used to be hard-up for cash, nevertheless it was additionally as a result of I used to be conditioned, as an American, to take something I might for so long as I might. That’s the default American mindset.
So sure, there’s a sure expectation that you just, fellow citizen, will avail your self of free swag every time you have got the chance. Nevertheless it’s additionally a dipshit transfer in case you begin actively bullying strangers into consuming a Bloody Mary on a Tuesday morning flight to Dallas. The actually patriotic transfer is to your fellow passengers to ask if THEY can have your free shit in case you don’t need it.
Talking of which, I took my youngest to H Mart the opposite day. When the child does good, he will get a particular journey to H Mart as his reward. We went to at least one that was a little bit bit farther away than our standard one, as a result of it has a ramen bar he likes. This H Mart additionally had free samples, and lemme let you know: there are common grocery samples, after which there are H Mart samples. I squeal with pleasure every time I see both, however the latter samples take me to paradise. All hail the H.
Andy:
What music do you assume you already know all of the lyrics to that most individuals would assume is totally ridiculous? For me, it will be “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” by Deep Blue One thing. Memorized it once I was 10 and haven’t forgotten it since.
I too know the lyrics to that music principally as a result of the Colby soccer workforce would blast it within the locker room after any victory. That’s as lame a victory music as you’ll ever hear, nevertheless it did the soiled work of constructing Deep Blue One thing a part of my everlasting psychological stock. I fucking hate it, however that’s hardly the one unhealthy music (or not less than, a music that I by no means hearken to as a matter of alternative) that I’ve dedicated to reminiscence.
Take “Vogue” by Madonna. That’s a great music (with a fair higher video, courtesy of Madonna and director David Fincher), and I respect Madonna’s catalog a lot extra now that I’m a grown grownup than I did again once I was 6 years previous and screaming at women on the varsity bus to cease singing “Borderline” on a regular basis. However I by no means went out of my option to hearken to “Vogue” alone. That hasn’t mattered. Day by day, it’s in my head. I go searching and in all places I flip is heartache. It’s ev-ery-where that I gooooooooo. Identical take care of “Wild Factor” by Tone Loc, “Offended Once more” by Megadeth(???), and “Don’t Be Merciless” by Bobby Brown. Younger minds are simply that impressionable. I attempt to swap these songs out for Kvelertak anytime I can, however my mind is simply so intact. Additionally they don’t communicate English.
Jake:
Can we speak for a minute about bikes? Each summer season, I sit up for having fun with time exterior solely to be assaulted with the loudest noise on earth. Ah sure, this pretty little out of doors cafe can be a fantastic place to have a pleasant peaceable lunch… BRRRAAAUUUMMM!!! I am certain bikes are enjoyable and all, however can we please focus on their obnoxiousness?
I reside subsequent to a freeway, and late at night time you possibly can hear growl of bikes going over 100 mph on the Beltway. Native rumor is that these are off-duty cops racing one another for shits and giggles, which is in some way one of many LEAST offensive issues that our Police-People take pleasure in doing. Both means, the sound isn’t terribly nice, nor was it nice once I lived on First Avenue in Manhattan and was handled to the occasional Harley going by. HOWEVER, that gentle irritation is about as a lot NIMBY rage as I can muster on the common hog, provided that the roar goes away pretty rapidly, and provided that bikes are cool.
However souped-up self-importance vans? That’s one other story. Ship all of these pricks to supermax. Nobody’s gonna suck your dick simply because your F-250 Tremendous Responsibility has a nitro increase.
Jamie:
I am your age. Once I was in junior excessive and excessive college, I believed U2 was the best band ever. Once I was in my 20s, that honor went to Radiohead. Remember, that this way of fandom wasn’t simply, “Oh hey, I like a band.” It was extra like, “Holy shit, I’ve by no means liked a band extra or will ever love one other band this a lot so long as I reside.” I nonetheless hearken to music, I nonetheless get into bands, and I will nonetheless return and hearken to stuff from the 90s and the 2000s. However I do not actually regard anybody band as my favourite, not to mention the Biggest of All Time. Do you assume that is a pure consequence of getting older, or is that as a result of the music business has modified a lot?
It is a mixture of all that. You become older and also you inevitably get extra jaded. Nothing feels fairly as intense because it does as while you’re youthful since you don’t have an ocean of hormones working by means of your system. And yeah, the truth that you’ll find any band simply by tapping in your cellphone robs that artist of the sort of mystique that got here normal with the previous means of doing issues: shopping for bodily albums, standing in line for live shows, ready for songs terrestrial radio or MTV to play songs you want. That sort of shortage could make any band really feel extra particular. Then once more, one million Taylor Swift followers would let you know that nothing in 2024 has muffled their present obsession.
As for me, I nonetheless have treasured moments the place I’ll hear a music for the primary time and really feel prefer it’s the one music I’ll ever must hearken to for the remainder of my life. That occurred to me with “I Get Moist” again on the flip of the century, nevertheless it’s occurred extra not too long ago for me with The Amazons, The Struts, A, The Smile, Autechre, the aforementioned Kvelertak, QOTSA, White Reaper, and Electrical Callboy. That’s why a number of us nonetheless hearken to music, proper? To get that sense of infatuation. It’s not one thing you possibly can power, however is one thing you possibly can really feel in case you’re prepared to do a little bit of digging. Additionally, it helps when you have a spouse and kids who don’t share your style in music, as a result of then the artists you want really feel extra like a naughty secret you get to maintain to your self. Like they wrote songs for you and solely you. That’s the place the magic occurs. To that finish, I’m gonna play some Amazons for myself:
Mike:
Do Yankees followers have much less facial hair than followers of different groups as a result of they maintain themselves to the identical normal as their workforce?
I’ve seen Yankees followers out within the wild and don’t agree with you that they eschew facial hair. Fairly the opposite. Almost all of them are very furry infants, they usually have roughly as a lot regard for private hygiene as they do black motorists. That’s why they just like the Steinbrenner household’s no-facial-hair rule, though it’s the stupidest in-house rule of any sports activities workforce on this continent. It’s as a result of that rule lends a veneer of sophistication to a company, and its fanbase, that’s richly undeserved. Your common Yankees fan thinks they’re Frank Sinatra once they’re actually Andrew Cube Clay after a lobotomy. The mustache ban helps them keep that phantasm though they’re all filthy pigs. Pigs, I let you know! And Brian Cashman is a fucking fraud! And John Sterling was by no means that good! You individuals reside a pathetic lie! I hope AI replaces all of you within the close to future!
Adam:
Which metropolis is least deserving of its airport, and which airport is least deserving of its metropolis? For instance, Detroit has an incredible airport, however the metropolis leaves one thing to be desired. However, O’Hare is a nightmare however the metropolis of Chicago is fairly nice.
Some individuals will defend O’Hare, however I’m not one among them. It’s lightyears away from downtown Chicago and your connecting gate is all the time an hourlong stroll out of your present gate. However O’Hare DOES have fats benches you possibly can lie down on in the primary terminal, which supplies it a leg up over my alternative for the worst airport/greatest metropolis honor: LAX. Nobody likes LAX. Ask round. L.A. is my favourite metropolis within the Unites States, however utilizing LAX to get there’s about as enjoyable as downing a bottle of castor oil.
Simply fly into Burbank, Drew!
I might, however Expedia tells me to go fuck myself every time I strive to try this. Honorable point out to SeaTac and the Philly airport, each of which appear to be they haven’t been renovated since 1971.
As for the opposite aspect of the query, it’s Raleigh-Durham, or every other tiny-ass airport. Small airports are gold, even when they dump you off in the midst of Trumpistan. When the TSA checkpoint is simply an previous dude hanging out on a stool chatting up a line of not more than two individuals, I do know I’m in good fingers.
Justin:
I completed final in my Fantasy Soccer League final season. The league is having a watch celebration for the primary spherical on Thursday Night time at somebody’s home. He has a sauna. My punishment? I’ve to eat a meal from Lengthy John Silvers within the sauna and end it whereas in there. I will have loads of water, nevertheless it’s gonna be terrible. We want a brand new punishment for subsequent season. It is nonetheless early however do you have got any concepts for subsequent season’s punishment as a result of I am NOT coming in final once more and I would like another person to undergo like I will. Thanks!
I’m wayyyyyyy too previous to ever take part in any fantasy league that features a bunch of ceremonial frat boy shit. It’s an excessive amount of effort, and I don’t wanna be on the dropping finish of some goofy-ass punishment. However in case you’re gonna go the complete bro, then I say that the loser has to devour each Aaron Rodgers podcast look for a full month. After which chug a bottle of Everclear.
Mike:
I’ve an previous canine and a younger canine who’re each having bother holding their pee till they get exterior. I’ve cleaned a lot pee that I can now odor the distinction between the 2 canine. I feel it completely sucks that this can be a talent I’ve. I do not know what the human mind’s carrying capability is for abilities and/or helpful abilities nevertheless it’s bullshit that that is one thing I can do properly. Do you have got any abilities that you just’re ashamed or embarrassed to have?
I’m excellent at treating my very own anal fissures. It’s not that I’m ashamed of this, it’s extra that it’s not one thing I loved having to be taught.
E-mail of the week!
It is Friday and I am bored. Do members of bands placed on their very own music within the background whereas having intercourse? Does the reply change if it is a well-known band/area of interest act/native band? Does it rely on their instrument or function within the band? I began fascinated about this as an extension of the earlier Funbag dialogue of Energy Ballads, as this appears very on model for a lot of of these acts. However now I am questioning if Yo-Yo Ma units the temper at house together with his personal stuff.
It might be cool if Yo-Yo Ma had sufficient recreation to drag that kinda shit off. Regardless, I imagine that almost each well-known musician has fucked to their very own catalog. I’ve been within the studio with these individuals. They fucking LOVE their very own shit, they usually love energy strikes within the bed room. I doubt that R. Kelly dedicated heinous intercourse crimes to every other music however his personal.
